There is no break in mourning.

I took that Friday off of work because I really needed to take time to mourn. Another part of my mourning process is sharing… a lot. I shared a lot of pictures and videos, and I planned the Saturday memorial for our lost friend Clayton. We ended up having a game night at a local Denny’s and even Clayton’s brother and nephew joined us. It was really nice to be able to about Clayton and be there for our friends.

At one point, I had gone to the local Think Geek Store grand opening and when I saw the Rick and Morty plushies, I teared up thinking about my co-worker friend who had passed away that same week: “I haven’t forgotten about you Dennis ” 

While both were considered a friend, Clayton was my friend outside of work. We were much closer. Clayton’s death hit me hard harder, and with all my attention focused on his death, I wanted to remind my friends that I was grieving both losses. I had not yet finished mourning the loss of my coworker and part of me needed to express that he was also still on my mind.

Later on, I took a break from the memorial planning and watching videos. However, taking a break from grieving really isn’t possible. Random things that pop on the internet made think of Clayton (or Dennis). I shared the article about black gothic ice cream: “Clayton, I would have tried this Icecream with you. I’d have found a way to make this black unicorn yumminess lol It’s funny how random things on the Internet remind me of you.”

Later, I found myself listening to sad music, like “The End of the World”. It’s easy to got lost in sad music. After a while, I had to put that down too.

I had nightmares: “I had a bad dream, so I’m awake too early. I’m going to try to get more sleep. Dennis’ funeral is today and Clayton’s Memorial meet up. It’s an emotional day. I not ready for it and I don’t want to start it tired. So I’m going to try to go back to sleep.”

I dreampt that death was outside the door and I was begging my mom not to open the door. She did it anyways. I ran outside to save her but she wasn’t there. It was dark and no one was there but death. I had this over whelming feeling of profound sadness and this fear that I’d never see her again. I was crying in my sleep and when I was feeling trapped in that dream and terrified of death, I started to scream. If I scream loud enough in my dreams, I’ll call out in my sleep and someone will wake me up. My boyfriend woke me up and I had to stay up for a little while before I could go back to sleep.

I had a break from the nightmares the next night but still didn’t get enough sleep:

“I wanted to sleep in today but I’m awake now. No nightmare tonight, so it was a good sleep. It’s just that when I woke up I started to think about Clayton. I got the urge to read over our old messages and, well, now I’m just awake.

His brother asked us, last night, if we’d say something about Clayton at his funeral next weekend. I was thinking about writing Clayton a letter of what I wished I could have said to him if I’d known what he was planning to do. Maybe it’ll be what I can say at the funeral. It’s also just a way for me to get it out, what I still have the urge to say to him. *sigh*

I’ll probably go into writing mode once I eat something. While I did eat last night, I managed to be hungry going to bed. Now I’m hungry waking up. I went from not wanting to eat and having to make a concerted effort to do so, to now comfort eating. Guess it’s improvement.”

I kept updated with each of our friends, chatting with them on and off again. My bestfriend mentioned he’d never been through a suicide. This was my third loss in this way. I had shared some information that I thought would help our friends through this: “There is a Survivors of Suicide Group in OKC and their next meeting is on May 18th at 6pm (on a Thursday). It will be at the Mental Health Association Office on 400 N Walker. I just wanted to share this in case anyone wants to attend.”

More sharing to come…

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