“I had a hard time waking up because my dream was unresolved. Everywhere I went with my friends, Clayton was near by. I was determined to confront him but my friends kept telling me he wasn’t there. I would say things like “Yeah, he is and I have some questions.” I remember being frustrated at first and then angry. I finally was up close to him and asked “Why the hell didn’t you reach out to me?” and he shrugged. “Don’t you dare shrug at me…” and then my alarm buzzed. I kept hitting snooze, but that didn’t help lol. Anyways, at least it wasn’t a nightmare (those are much different dreams).”
Later that day:
“I’m having this moment today in which I feel like it’s too soon to be okay. It’s like I’m offended of myself for feeling okay. It’s a confusing feeling. I felt like I wasn’t grieving long enough and that being okay this soon indicates the level of love I carried for him, but it’s not true. I’ve been thinking about Clayton for days, including all day today.
When I saw an ad for the Wonder Woman movie, I cried. Then I realized, that while I’m feeling okay, I’m not done grieving.
Not all that long ago, I reread things that I wrote about Greg, who passed away a decade ago, and I was upset when I realized that I could no longer remember some of the stories I wrote about. I fear that the faster I’m okay, the faster his memories will fade.
I had to remind myself that it took a decade before I started to forget things about Greg, but I haven’t forgotten Greg. I still remember him, who he was to me, and many of our stories. I’m not going to forget anything about Clayton any time soon. And, unlike with Greg, I have an abundance of videos and pictures with Clayton. I have things to rekindle those memories down the road.
When I start feeling okay, the part of me that doesn’t want to let go fights back… giving me a feeling of it’s too soon to be okay. I started out feeling okay and not crying, but now I’m crying, because letting go hurts. I’ll be okay, but there’s a part of me that will never be okay.
It is too soon to let go, but it’s not too soon to feel okay. Just because I didn’t cry yesterday, doesn’t mean I won’t cry again. Just because I’m okay, it doesn’t mean I love him any less. You’ll always have a special place in my heart Clayton. I hope you found the peace you were looking for.”
Then I saw that Facebook had memorialized Clayton’s facebook and it caught me off-guard. I found my tears again and I decided to setup a legacy for my facebook. One day, I won’t be here, so I figured I should choose the person I want to manage my facebook memorial.
“Dang it Facebook, I saw that little banner on his page and it made me cry. It’s a thoughtful feature. By the way, I suggest everyone sets up a friend as their Legacy, so that when you are gone, that Legacy can manage your page, post information about your passing, etc. Here’s how: https://www.facebook.com/help/1070665206293088 “
Then this happened: “My customers name was Clayton. I won’t lie. I got choked up and had to pretend it was allergies. I’m okay. I made that call quick. Random thought, Clayton is not a common name.”
Yeah… it may be too soon to be okay… but I definitely wasn’t finished mourning (and I’m still not).