I made the decision to go to work the day after Clayton’s death, because of financial reasons, and this proved to be a difficult day. I had found out that when Clayton worked here, he used to sit where Dennis sat. So I felt like their were two ghosts sitting close by (so to speak). In the later half of the day I started to feel, like what I described as “quiet”. I didn’t feel like talking or being chipper. After some reflection, I recognized this as emotional exhaustion. It’s when you have been feeling heavy emotions and you finally get this to this point of feeling too tired to fight the sadness. I knew this was not a good state to be in, so I gave into a guilty pleasure and got myself a mocha frappe. This helped my mood.
Through out my day, coworkers and friends dropped in to see how I was doing, including my boss, and many other friends and family texted me through out the day. It helped to have people to talk to and I wanted to express my gratitude. So I posted on facebook: “By the way, I appreciate everyone who’s been stopping by my desk today to offer me hugs and memories and support. Even the mutual Dell folks who don’t know me that well who have been dropping in to see me are appreciated. I love you guys ❤“
I had plans after work to do something fun, but things didn’t work out. I got depressed and just wanted to curl up and sleep forever, but that didn’t work out either. I posted these two separate things:
“I had a hard day at work. I was looking forward to doing something fun afterward. That didn’t work out. I feel worse now. I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.”
“Or not. I’m still awake. I cried for a while and Jay held me. Now I’m just not wanting to go to sleep. I guess I’m just having a mix of emotions. I might not go in to work tomorrow. I think I’ll take the day to plan Saturday’s meet up for Clayton and share a bunch of videos. Focus on my grieving process. That word, grieving, tastes bad in my mouth. I don’t know why I dislike saying (or typing) it. Meh.”
After such an emotionally heavy day, I was really looking forward to doing something fun to lighten this burden. When things didn’t work out, every little thing became a stressful agitation. I got mad. I laid in my bed and started to cry and then I couldn’t stop. My crying went from frustrated anger to a deep devastated pain. I cried so hard. My boyfriend scooped me up and held me for a long time. I couldn’t talk and I frankly didn’t want to. Eventually, the tears stopped and I picked up my phone and surfed youtube. I still didn’t speak, just a grunt of acknowledgement when spoken too. My boyfriend laid there with me, watching random videos.
Eventually, my silence was broken when a cooking show got a little ridiculous. They were making a marshmallows that looked like cheese and little chocolate mice. The “cheese” was neat but then she said “Let’s go make our mice” and walks over an industrial sized liquid chocolate fountain and a professional mold. We both scoffed… “Riiiight, because I’m going to have an industrial sized chocolate fountain in my kitchen…” Thank youtube.