Finding Comfort

This year, while going through a divorce, I experienced depression and found comfort in places I didn’t expect, in ways I didn’t expect. My friends and family all told me to focus on doing what makes me happy… focus on the things I love. For me, this wasn’t that easy.

I loved watching tv – like The Flash, Big Bang Theory, Dark Matter, etc. However, I couldn’t focus on these shows. My mind was constantly in a state of miserable contemplation as I was cycling through the stages of loss. I couldn’t focus and my desire to even try was at an all time low. I was so disconnected that I couldn’t get into those shows. They didn’t feel like they mattered at all and my mood completely ruined my enjoyment of them.

I loved to draw and sew, but I am very much an emotional artist. My art reflected how I felt… a mess, disconnected, and disappointing. I was frustrated and it created a sense of ruining something I loved. So, in defiance of ruining my passion, I refused to create art. I felt my only recourse was to wait out the misery which felt like forever.

While floating in a constant state of searching and unbearable waiting, I’d curl up in a blanket in a dark room and browse through YouTube aimlessly searching for anything to pass the time away and dull the pain.

Aside from the obvious comfort of readily available friendship, I found comfort in unexpected places for unexpected reasons. I found “Good Mythical Morning”. The content was entertaining without requiring much focus. My mind could roam without losing the context of what was going on. In addition to this, it surprisingly helped to alleviate some of my loneliness. It wasn’t like watching a tv show with fake characters, it was more real than that. There’s a sense of being in a room with friends who are just having fun talking about random things and playing games. Unknowingly to Rhet and Link, they were company through out my divorce who managed to make me laugh and not feel alone. Thank you!

Another show that helped to smooth my soul was “Steven Universe”. While at first impression the cartoon was simply a creative and fun cartoon, it actually tackled complex emotions, loss, and coping. They promoted sense of family and friendship, something I was missing – having no family near by. It was virtually a therapy session as I contemplated my own emotional strife.  I felt like I related to the characters, connecting with their faults, passions, and even strengths. I felt like they were able to provide me with a sense of objective enlightenment that inspired me to get through these feelings. Thank you for guiding me through my own heart and teaching me something about loss and moving on.

It may seem silly to have found profound solace in such childish, impersonal, and intangible things… but when you can’t bring yourself to touch the very things you love and find yourself trapped inside yourself, it’s the intangible things that draw you out. It’s a simple sense of comfort and, most of all, a sense of understanding and inspiration.

Sometimes, you can’t rely on what you used to loved, but rather have to reach out and find something new and untarnished to bring you back to life. While I’m still traveling the road to recovery, my new passions have brought me back to my old ones. What I once loved was never truly lost, but simply waiting out the darkness, there when I’m ready to love again.

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