Three a half months ago, my husband decided that he wanted a divorce. In an attempt to remain friends, I have been stronger than you might know. Today, we sat down to have lunch together at work in the company of a friend. I had stopped crying, until today. It started out alright, but then half way through lunch my husband told a funny story about taking a date out to dinner and ended up in an awkward situation. I said I had to go and left. I sat down at my desk and for a split second thought I’d melt into tears, but I didn’t. It was one thing to hear about it in private conversation with him, but it hit harder when he talked about it in front of friends without even batting an eyelash.
As I sit here and write these words, there are tears streaming down my face. It’s the gravity of how much my feelings don’t truly matter. I was hurt and embarrassed. Yes embarrassed that my husband, who I married in September left me and was already talking about dating in front of friends… in front of me. If I had broken down or even so much as told him how I felt, he’d tell me I’m wrong. He’d just tell me again that “eventually he’s going to date”. It’s not eventually… it’s been since the first week we split up. It’s feeling like I’m being forced to be okay when I’m not. It’s this unrealistic expectation that I’m supposed be okay after 3 months when we were together for 15 years. It’s this feeling of urgency to move on with my life without sacrificing a friendship that I once held so deeply.
In this moment, I do not want to admit my sorrow and tears. I don’t want to admit that I’m crying alone. It’s this feeling of shame for being upset. It’s feeling like I have no right to be upset. I expected sadness and anger during this divorce, but I never expected to feel shame. I never expected to feel shame in that a man that supposedly loved me for 15 years could so easily throw my feelings to the wind in front of friends. Shame that he would move on so fast. Shame that I continue to fight for someone who makes me feel so worthless…. like I’m second to any pretty stranger he can meet online.
Today I was stabbed in the heart with a shameful amount of sorrow and no matter how much I didn’t want to admit it… I just have to let the shame fall with the tears and be stronger tomorrow. Yes, it was too soon.