Malaise

It’s hard to articulate this feeling. It’s a feeling that I often get when I’m sick, like today. It’s like a constant buzzing in my head, except instead of a noise it’s a feeling. It’s an unsettling feeling and yet I’m very calm. It’s a malaise of sorts. You know what? That word works. Malaise is “a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify”. As I sit here feeling uneasy, I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I need something worthwhile. I’m not a fan of this feeling.

Is it a product of my anxiety mixed with illness? When I’m sick, I don’t do the normal things that I do. Because I’m sick, I missed work. I also didn’t game Friday night, nor on Saturday, as was the routine. I haven’t exercised on my bike. I haven’t put in any effort to go driving. I recently got my permit and I’m excited to learn to drive (long story). My routine has been interrupted which is causing a sense of needing to accomplish something. This feeling is added to the general feeling of being sick – it of itself is unpleasant.

It’s not that I don’t like having a lazy day, it’s that it’s out of place. Tomorrow, I go back to work regardless of recovery, because I can’t afford to miss any more days of work. The good thing is that getting back to my routine will make me feel better. I’ll be going to work, getting a driving lesson, and then going to the gym. I’ll be tired, but at least I’ll have accomplished my daily goals and that feeling of malaise will go away.

However, until then, I am struggling with this feeling. It feels like the day is dragging on and on. It feels like the day will never end. Part of me wants to ask a friend to go driving or come hang out, while the sick part of me insists on resting. This happens every time I’m sick and it often gets really taxing on my mind. I’m not as sick as I typically get and thus the malaise isn’t so severe. I’m sure I can ride it out. I just turn to easy things, like writing in my blog ❤

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