When I post on Facebook about how much pain I’m in and how alone I feel, but my friends only post *hugs* or “It’ll get better” and “You’re strong” and nothing more… it’s an empty gesture. It feels like you’re crying out to a crowd of people who smile at you and say “It’s okay” and then just walk away. When I reach out in private, there’s the same amount of interest in my pain, and I feel like a burden. I feel guilty. Sometimes I write poetry hoping someone will feel some of my suffering and will reach out to me. It’s like a coded cry for help… at least if it’s fun to read someone will notice. There are so many times when I examine myself and I feel worthless… I must be, because no one seems to hear my cries. Maybe I haven’t been a good enough friend.
There was one friend in particular who said he wouldn’t let me fall into loneliness and would pull me from my apartment every night if needed… but he didn’t mean it. He suggested getting on medication to help feel better. Truth be told, it felt less like it would help me, and more like it would help my friends not to have to deal with my pain. I don’t want to take a pill to erase the hurt you’ve caused. I don’t want to be a convenience to you. As much as I don’t want to be a burden… I want better friends.
There’s a friend who’s been the reason that I haven’t fallen away. He’s been the most supportive. I often feel like a burden to him, because I know how needy I’m being. Some times, he just doesn’t reply and I feel like he’s not interested in hearing it… but in this case, I know it’s just my anxiety. He’s the one who talks to me almost every day. He’s the one who cancels his trips to spend a weekend with me. He’s the one who cancels plans to just be with me when I need a friend. He’s the one I can call and cry to and whine to and just vent. He’s the one friend who makes me feel like I’m not alone. He makes me smile and laugh. He makes me feel like I’m fine. He builds me up and inconveniences himself for me.
Having just one friend stops me from wallowing in depths of sadness. It takes one friend to mean the world to someone who’s hurting. Just one.
Are you one good friend?