I have come to terms with the nature of our relationship. I have become accustom to, and even expect, the dishonesty and selfishness. Lying to my face, empty promises, and twisting the truth is nothing new. This will never change.
When he said that I could stay as long as I needed, he lied. I was blindsided with his expectations. I was hurt by his twisting of the truth and his inflation of time. It’s been three weeks since I had access to my apartment, not six weeks. At one point he told me not to move out yet because of my sciatica. I’m used to him making me feel like a burden and that I’m at fault in feeling any negative emotion towards him.
He seems to think that I don’t understand his point of view. I really do. However, I do not agree that he is a victim nor that his suffering or inconvenience is even remotely on par with mine. I survived. I moved out but I’m still moving stuff from his apartment. My back is doing fine now… thankfully.
When I said that he was waiting, he lied. He lies repeatedly to my face and he gets very angry when I can him a liar. I know it’s not my business what be does and who with, but it doesn’t give him the right to lie to me. I’m not asking him to give me intimate hurtful details, but don’t lie to me. He seems to think lying and pretending to do the right thing is okay. It’s not. Not only is he still being hurtful, but he’s also lying to my face… adding insult to injury.
Why put up with it? Probably the same reasons I put it with it for all this time. Really, there is a benefit to maintaining this friendship. I’m not stupid. I’m going to be vigilant and protect myself. As long as this relationship is equally beneficial, we’ll remain friends. However the closeness that he wanted has faded. I no longer reach out to hold hands or cuddle. I rarely indulge in a platonic hug. This division between us is entirely of his own making. The divide that widens is entirely on his conscience.
At times, I feel like I’m paying financially for his whims. We agreed to help each other and not let each other go hungry. I feel like he’s spending all his money on going out of town to be with his new girlfriend and new friends that I’m not allowed to know or hang out with. I feel like I’m being prudent with my money and he’s not, and I end up spending a lot on him. It’s not fair that I should have to pay for fun that I am not having.
He recently told me not to worry about paying him for my part of shared bills this check since I’ve spent so much on him this week. That’s a great gesture, but my part for bills is a measly $40. He sent me more money but most of that was to pay his part of the cable bill. It wasn’t an equal pay back but at least I got something back. Now we’re back at him needing money again, and of course I’ll help him out, but I expect a full pay back.
I’m hoping that despite the dishonesty, that he does care enough not to just use me. I can’t help that I feel this way… but I keep holding on to hope. If I could not provide a service to him, would he abandon me entirely? I can’t help but feel like he would.
Since having originally written this post, so much more has happened. His girlfriend called him out on keeping her a secret and cheating on her, but he insists that they were both seeing other people. He tells her how much he loves her, and yet to me he says they are just causal. Instead of being honest and faithful, he left her. I’m not surprised… after all isn’t that what he did to me?
He has a myriad of naive and needy girls behind the shades of his dishonesty. I hope he’s having fun, because I’ll never love him again. He tells all these random new girls how much he loves them and whispers the same sweet nothings he has told me for over a decade. Now I know… he never loved me. He loved what I provided and the control he exerted. It hurts to realize that 15 years of love wasn’t real. It’s angering to have your heart used for so long. It’s disgusting to see him doing this to other girls. It’s disappointing to see how wrong I was about him… he wasn’t the person I thought he was. I honestly did think he was better than this. I really did think he loved me in some way… but I was wrong. I have closure in my heart. The love is gone.
Now what? It’s a matter of trying to remain beneficially friends. Our lives are still entwined and we have to make the best of it. We are still married and we’re still trying to split up the accumulation of life together. I’m still trying to get back on my feet. I will rise from this and learn from my mistakes. Never again will I allow myself to pretend in love.