Online Dating 101

Prepare to be offended. Get over it. Move on.

You see that she (or he) is online and they looked at your profile, but they didn’t reply to your message. You spent time and care crafting a heart felt, well thought out, witty message and they didn’t even have the decency to reply back. You feel rejected, ugly, and slighted. Honestly? I’d rather people not reply than to waste my time with bullshit.

First of all, do you know how many messages a woman gets on a daily basis? I have a job. I can’t be perusing dating sites while I’m supposed to be working. I actually do my job and value my career. Also, I do have a life outside of the internet. I have things to do, people to see, and you need some god damn patience! By the time I get around to answering all the messages, in the order of which they are received, there’s a few “fuck you bitch you ignoring me” messages… and then yes, I am ignoring you. Asshole.

Second of all, a lot of ladies are looking for the love of their life, not some horny douchebag. If you message a lady asking her to fuck, or what ever perverted thing you happen to be into, she’s probably not going to reply. I get it, you just want a casual hook up… I don’t… move on. Stop bitching that I didn’t reply to your disgusting missive. If anyone has the right to be offended, it’s me. Get a hooker if you’re that desperate.

Third and certainly not least, your profile really does matter. Yes, I’m going to judge your photos. Let’s be real, if I’m not attracted to you then why should I waste your time? If you look like a gangster or criminal, I’ll pass. If you look filthy and have dog shit in the background of the photo, I’ll pass. If you are butt naked, it tells me you’re just looking for sex, and I’ll pass. If you look angry in all your photos, I will pass. Yes, I’m going to read your profile. If you’re too young, too far away, or don’t like any of the things that I like, then I’m going to pass. If your profile is a giant hateful bitch fest, I’ll pass. If you can’t write a proper sentence to save your life, I’m going pass. I know what kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with and it’s clear by your profile that you don’t fit the bill.

Do you really want to spend every day, all day, talking to person after person that you honesty have no interest in? I’m not here to make friends. It’s a dating site. I’m looking for a prospective boyfriend and future husband. Truth be told, if you’re friend material, I’ll probably invite you to be friends. Chances are, we’re not each others types. Let’s not settle okay?

You want to be a good person and you don’t want to be judgmental, but spend a couple of weeks on a dating site and you’ll start to foam at the mouth. There are creeps who waste your time having a decent conversation of pretend before they start harassing you for sex. Why even bother with the conversation if it’s all going to end in, let’s have sex, I’m horny, fuck me, blah blah blah… go fuck yourself.

Then there’s the guys who aren’t all about sex, but they are just as much of a turn off. Yes, the point is to eventually meet in person, but when you start harping on a girl to meet you and you get pushy, she’s gonna push back. I don’t like pushy guys and if you’re that impatient, I’m not interested. When you start making jokes about me being scared of harmless you, you only remind me of the rapists and murders who target women. I’m a survivor, so yeah… I’m not really digging your dismissive attitude on the topic of my personal safety. I think I’ll pass. ALL of my first meets are in the presence of my friends. If you can’t handle that… you have something to hide. I’ll pass.

Then there’s the guys who aren’t scary, as much as unrealistic red flags. You don’t even know me and you’re already having strong feelings for me? Love? Whoa there! You’re either way too emotionally clingy, or you’re a manipulative liar. Sure, it’s okay to compliment a girl, but if after a day or even barely a week you are singing the sonnets of my worth like diamonds and telling me about how great I am and tantamount to worshiping the ground I walk on… seriously a red flag. I’m pretty awesome, but you haven’t seen my awesomeness to speak of yet. This is a person who is moving too fast. I’m very quick to back off.

There are guys who get a little too needy too soon. We haven’t even met in person and you’re already needing my attention all the time. There’s guys who are shy about meeting and let’s be honest, I’m not here for an online relationship. The goal is to find people you connect with and then meet in person. This goes back to the earlier rant on having a job and a life. I don’t have the time, nor desire, to carry-on online. I want a real relationship with someone I can be with in person.

There are guys who are jerks and those end pretty quick, but usually turn into stalking and blocking games. There are guys who are so stupid you can’t hold a conversation with them. Are they high or just dumb? Some guys are just boring and try to hold a conversation using only one word replies. Those get annoying real fast. Oh the lack of conversational ability that some people have. “What are you doing?” gets old really quick. If we never have anything specific to talk about, it means we don’t have enough in common. I don’t like empty conversations.

I also dislike feeling like I’m in an interview. Sure, it’s okay to ask a few qualifying questions – Do you have kids? Do you smoke? – but can we please just talk about life and hobbies and get to know each other in a more organic way? And for goodness sakes, be a real person. If all your answers are “long walks on the beach” and “romantic moonlit dinners” you start to sound like a 90’s heart throb magazine article. What normal stuff do you like? Or do you only like holding hands on beaches? I think I need a little more excitement in my life than just life at the spa.

You hear people say there are a lot of fake people on those sites, and it’s true. People lie, pretend, and get weird. I kind of hate online dating sites. I think I’d rather just go into the world to meet real people. On the other hand, you might meet a couple of people on those sites who aren’t a total waste of time. You just have to not let yourself get swept up in trying too damn hard, cut your losses early, and move on.

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