Sciatica & Defeat

For the first time in my life, I managed to get sciatica. It’s when the sciatic nerve in your lower back gets pinched and/or inflamed. I have been working out lately to get healthier and I had thought I pulled a muscle. One night, as I was rolling over in bed, I got a sharp pain my right lower back. Since then, I’ve had this pinching, stabbing, radiating pain in my right buttock down into my right leg. It got so bad, I could barely even walk. I was near tears Sunday when I went to the hospital.

They thought it was a kidney infection, but once that was ruled out with a urine test, they knew it was sciatica. They gave me prescription painkillers, anti-inflammatory, and muscle relaxers. They also gave me exercises to do. None of these seem to be helping at all. In fact, I was in so much pain that I could barely walk. I’m in training for two weeks and I cannot miss a single day. It’s a new job and it’s important. So when I’ve had to walk, it’s been excruciating. I’ve been shuffling very very slowly. When I sit down, it takes a while for the severe pain to subside. Everyone in training with me has been super understanding and kind. I’ve had to work hard to hold back tears of sheer pain. I cannot express just how painful sciatica is.

My three most painful experiences of my life was the ovarian cyst rupture, a damaged tooth nerve, and now sciatica. The only reason this is the bottom of that list, is because there was relief when I wasn’t moving and was sitting or laying down. If it had been constant, it would have sky rocketed to number one.

For the past few days, I’ve felt so exhausted. I’ve been going to sleep right after work and dinner. Today, I just had this moment of finally admitting that I was feeling so tired and defeated. First it was divorce, then a UTI, and now sciatica. I’ve been needing help and my soon-to-be exhusband has been helping me out tremendously. While I’m grateful for this, this is getting in the way of my independence. I haven’t been able to move into my new apartment and I haven’t been able to walk. Pain at this level is exhausting. I feel like I’m at the edge of defeat and I’m now too damned tired to keep fighting. Maybe this is a form of depression, even though I don’t feel sad specifically. I have a lot of things that have been piling on top of me this past month (only 4 weeks of time) and it’s worn me down. I honestly feel like giving up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT suicidal. I just don’t know any other way to describe this feeling. For me, being sick or injured tends to effect my ability to deal with emotional trauma. When I had the UTI (urinary tract infection) I was in the throws of depression and once it was gone, I was far more emotionally stable. Now that I have the sciatica pain, I’m having trouble dealing with my emotional state. I have come to realize that being physically well arms me with the ability to cope emotionally. My mind seems to be highly dependent on my body.

So today, I decided to go see a chiropractor to see if there is anything else that can be done. Surprisingly, there was no pain at all while getting stuff done at the chiropractors. At one point, something in my lower back on the right side, where I have the sciatica (pinched nerve), popped back in place. Now all of a sudden, I can actually walk! I still feel some pain there, but it’s not excruciating to actually walk around and it’s a WORLD of difference. I am hoping, dare I say praying atheistically, that I’m still able to walk tomorrow! If I am, I am going to be so fucking grateful. Then maybe I can shake this cloud looming over my head. Even though I feel like I’m too tired to fight… I’m a fighter at the core of my being. I rest today. I fight tomorrow.


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