Things have been going well this week since my husband made the decision to do the right thing (read this to get caught up). I ended up with sciatica for the first time in my life and it’s very painful! I’m supposed to be moving out today, but instead he told me to heal and that my health and happiness was more important than moving. He said we can slowly move things and I could stay as long as I needed. That was a huge difference in attitude and he was being the man I fell in love with.
Still, yesterday was different than all the other days of this divorce and it surprised me. I was at home alone, I walked into the kitchen, and there was this genuine moment of “I can’t wait to get into my apartment.” and a sense of excitement and desire to do things my way. I realized in that moment that I wanted to have my own apartment, as opposed to the previous feeling of dreading it and not wanting it.
I sat down on the couch and really thought about how I felt. I questioned if it was just a spur of the moment thought generated from the pet peeves littering my kitchen. I thought about my husband and I asked myself if I wanted to stay with him. While I wasn’t actively having a desire to leave him, I realize the desire to stay seemed to be gone. Again, I wasn’t sure if I was just stuck in a moment of angst that would pass. My emotions have been all over the place. One minute I’m a strong independent woman who’s tired of his shit, and the next, I’m melting into his hug and wanting to save my marriage all over again.
Yesterday evening, we drove out to Tulsa to larp (live action role play) with a group of mutual friends. While on the trip there, while having actual contact and exposure to him, while having fun and singing songs in the car, I looked inside myself again. I was looking at him and I asked myself how I felt. I wanted to see if those feelings came back… but shockingly… they didn’t. I didn’t have that deep longing and desire for him. I didn’t have that deep sadness. I thought about holding his hand, but didn’t, and it didn’t hurt. I was honestly surprised.
On the way back from Tulsa, I still felt like I was fine. The only hiccup was that I saw that girl’s chat pop up and I instantly had a feeling of anger. He said she was casually talking to him, but nothing else. I suppose believe him, as his behavior has indicated a lack of interest in her and he’s no longer in constant video/voice chats with her. I wasn’t surprised at the rise of negative emotion around her. I imagine that any woman giving him attention is going to have a negative impact on my emotions for a while, despite that my emotions for him are settling.
Even though I was feeling ire in that moment, I checked my feelings again and I was still in that same resolved space that I was in before that chat bubble popped up. I still questioned whether this emotional state is merely the product of a good day. Yesterday was my last day of work, to which it was all farewells and goofing off. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders as I left this job behind. I felt excited to be starting on a new career path on Monday. I got home early, relaxed, went on a road trip, sang songs, and played games with friends, and had a great time with my best friend… my soon to be ex-husband. And I felt fine – good even!
Now it’s tomorrow and, as I sit here typing this out, I ask myself again how I feel. I pause for a moment and just think about my husband. I imagine hugging him, kissing him, and building a life together. While I do wish this was still our life and I could save our marriage, I am still not feeling this longing desire or sense of utter sadness. It’s a good thought, but it doesn’t feel the way it did. It feels like I’m okay with this. It feels like I’m on the edge of being happy with this decision.
Maybe closure happened.