I’ve officially entered the angry phase of this divorce. This morning, I was struck with the desire to say fuck you to someone special. I think it’s my goal is not to talk about that special someone in my life today (other than my purging here). I’m just going to go have fun and not give a shit for once. I’ll remember the part I care about tomorrow.
Why am I so angry? Because he NEVER deserved me and I was so fucking stupid to have loved such a dishonest, selfish, manipulative, and unfaithful prick. It takes a special kind of person to make you believe that they love you more than anything. It takes a passionate and loyal person like me to have tolerated so much bullshit in the name of love. Sure, we both tolerated a lot of bullshit from each other, but at some point, his shit outweighed mine! We have so much in common and had so much fun together, that when he says he loves me, I believe it. I feel it. It makes it so damn hard to look at the truth. If he really loved me, would he have been selfish and unfaithful?
He always treated everything like it was his and that he was generous for allowing me to use or have it. When we were first together and poor, I had a computer. He used it non-stop and I had to beg for him to let me use it. When he got a computer, he didn’t want me to touch it. His money was his and my money was his. That’s when I should have known better. However, at that time, I was in a bad place and I hated myself. I thought I didn’t deserve shit.
Now that I think about, I know what I feel in love with. He convinced me that I was beautiful, that I was a good person, and that I deserved something great. He opened my eyes to loving myself and for that, I’ll always be grateful. However, because of this intimate building up of my self esteem, I somehow believed that he was worth my love. I fell in love. I do believe he loved me, but only in the most selfish way. He was unfaithful from the very beginning, so why I am surprised that he’s still unfaithful 15 years later? Truth be told, I’m not! I’m just so fucking dedicated and loyal and I’m angry that he’s giving up!
Fuck my life. My mother was in a really abusive marriage with my father. He beat her, cheated on her, and even today she believes that he still loves her even though they haven’t been together for decades. I get my loyalty from my mother, obviously. While my soon-to-be-exhusband is no where near the hateful and cruel abusive shit bag my father was… he was still very manipulative and mentally abusive. If I’m being completely honest, I was abusive in my own ways too.
I’ve worked hard to work on those issues and I’ve actually shown a lot of progress. My ex on the other hand, while having grown as a person, seems unable to deal with his biggest faults. He’s selfish and very good at being manipulative, which leads back to all his faults. He’s so selfish that he justifies whatever he wants, manipulates to get his way, lies when he’s caught, makes promises he won’t keep to avoid consequences, and gets angry and acts like an asshole when someone stands up to his bullshit.
So through out this divorce, which it’s been less than a fucking month, he tells me how much he loves me and can’t live without me. He says he’s being so giving and unselfish because he’s being supportive and trying keep our close friendship. I do, very much, want to stay close best friends. I appreciate him being loving and being there for me, but what he doesn’t get is that it’s not giving him the right to be selfish and dishonest. It’s like this friendship is being used to keep me in line. I’m not fucking stupid.
If you really still loved me in the way you claim, you wouldn’t be cybering with some girl you just met the WEEK you decided to leave me. You wouldn’t be in Texas right now hooking up with her. Sure, you say you aren’t going to have sex with her, but lets look at your track record. YOU LIE ALL THE TIME. You’re a fucking liar. You haven’t actually been able to explain yourself and your decision to leave. Granted you admit your inability to be honest with yourself. You are MANIPULATIVE. You are trying to make me feel special so I’ll be your friend so that we can do the things you love about us. You want to have us, but with the freedom to go out and fuck who you want. Your actions make me feel like I’m being used because you know I still love you. You tell me you are trying to change your life to be a better person because you feel like an awful person. Truthfully, you have good qualities and the ability to be a better person. Also truth, you are selfish and you refuse to face this fact. This flaw will hold you back.
Of all the growing we have done, I feel that I’ve outgrown you. I just can’t become a better person, be better than you, and then leave you. I’m not that person. I feel like that’s who you think you are. I helped build up your self esteem and supported you in this time, but now you think you’re hot stuff and deserve better than me? Fine. Be that way. Fuck you. I’m going to focus on building myself back up, now.
You took the easy way out. You took the selfish way out. We could have been amazing, but you fucked that up. You continue to act out of selfishness. I’m not your wife anymore. While I have made a promise that I won’t let you be homeless or starve, don’t think for once that I’ll be your fall back if you fuck up your life while I’m not there to help you. I won’t let you use me again and I won’t let you trick me into believing that this is love. Fuck you.
I still want the friendship, because I can’t deny that we share a fuck tonne in common. We love a lot of the same things and we do actually have a lot of fun together. The parts of you that are good, are actually really good. In those moments, I am happiest with you. I’m just hoping that you don’t burn this bridge with your selfish need to hurt me so fucking much. You just refuse to accept that you’re being selfish and we can separate in a much less hurtful way. There’s only so much hurt I can take before every shred of love is stripped clean.
I’m learning from this experience. I’m not going to date people like you. I’m not going to put my all into someone until I am 100% convinced they deserve it. I’m not going have an endless supply of forgiveness. I’m going to stand up for myself and I’m going to be stronger than this. I’m going to change the things that I don’t like about me and make myself a better person because I fucking want to. I’m not settling anymore. I’m a good person, but it’s true what they say about good people being walked on. At some point, you just have to say FUCK YOU.