When I was young, I was perpetually unhappy. While I felt like I was a good person in my heart, my world was pretty shitty. Abuse makes it hard to be a good person, especially when you’re a child and don’t know how to handle life. I was abused as a child and I was ill and I wasn’t the good person that I was in my heart. In the years with my husband, I became a better person because I was tired of being unhappy. We built a life together. We both became better people… but not enough on his part.
His dishonesty and manipulation has destroyed our relationship and continues to jeopardize what we have. While I know I’m not perfect, I feel like I allowed so much injustice in the name of “forgiveness” and “love”. Through out an entire life of undeserved torment, I believed in dedication and not giving up. It’s true that I’ve compromised my heart many times in my futile attempts to truly love him. I don’t know why I ever fell in love with him or why I love him the way I do now. I’ve had to build walls, be hardened, and act in ways against my nature to battle his manipulative and selfish ways. I guess I’m just like any other woman who falls in love with a “bad boy”. Even in his growth and the better person he is, he still lacks the fundamental qualities to be happy.
Today, I am strong and I am looking at myself and I know I’m a good person. Damn it, I AM a GOOD person! He doesn’t deserve me or my love and yet I still love him and I’m willing to forgive and make things work. Where do I get my undying loyalty? It surely wasn’t from my father. I am fighting hard to keep this close friendship that we both want, even as he continues to hurt me in ways that are just not necessary. In his desire to be my friend, he seems blind to how selfish he’s being and he doesn’t really care about doing the right thing. He continues to be dishonest and a hypocrite… yet I cling to the friendship that I know and love. We love so many of the same things and we have so much fun together. I don’t want to lose that. So I suffer the lashes he strikes repeatedly, trying to find my way into a happy place.
He keeps asking me if I’m okay… the answer isn’t going to change anytime soon… No. I’m not happy that you continue to not deserve me and that I can’t let you go. No. I’m not happy that you married me and promised me that if you were ever unhappy you’d tell me and give us a chance to fix it… but then you didn’t. No. I’m not okay with you seeking to cheat on me through deplorable websites like Ashley Madison. No, I’m not okay with you saying you can’t promise not to cheat on me. No, I’m not okay that you were saying how much you loved me and then suddenly, literally overnight, deciding you were unhappy and unwilling to try to fix this marriage… to which frankly YOU destroyed. No, I’m not okay that you sought out another woman less than a week of you leaving me. No, I’m not okay with you having video chats with her EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and cybering with her. NO! I AM NOT OKAY with you having Valentine’s weekend plans with her while we’re still living together, still married, and it’s only been 2 weeks! No, I’m not okay with you continuing to keep secrets and being dishonest. NO…. I am NOT okay. Stop asking me. I’m not going to be okay with your hurtful behavior and I will not absolve you or pretend it’s okay… because it’s really not.
It’s not okay that you get upset at me when the double edged sword swings. If you want privacy to keep secrets, then don’t expect me to be so open with you. It’s not at all fair to think that you can be up in my business while shutting me out of yours. It’s not “blackmail”, it’s mutual respect and mutual boundaries. You can’t have everything and ME. If you want to be friends, then be a fucking friend. I appreciate the things that you are doing right, but it’s not an excuse for all the things you are doing wrong. If you feel like a bad person, then maybe you should listen to your heart and do something about it. I’m trying to focus on the good – like our emotional support, hugs, and happy moments – but these are not free passes to be hurtful, selfish, dishonest, and manipulative. The hurt is far out weighing the good, and I’m putting my all into not losing that part of me that still loves you. I’m trying not to hate you.
Sure, I have blame in this, but no matter how hard I try to see my fault in this, it’s no where near as evident as yours. I tried so hard and I begged for honesty, but in the end, without honesty, I was powerless. In the end, even with my faults, I blame you for ruining this marriage. I only blame myself for allowing the injustice for so long. Loyalty and undying love is wasted on those who simply don’t deserve it. In my kindness, I tried to warn him in several instances of things he was doing to jeopardize his friendships. He battled that fire after failing to heed my warning and only time will tell if those fences are mended. I warned him that jumping so fast into another girl without fixing his honesty issues will only serve to put him back in the same situation. Don’t do to her what you did to me. Don’t do this to yourself. Even in our separation, I want him to be safe and happy. I just don’t understand how someone can be so dishonest and manipulative and unwilling to be a better person.
There are bad parts of me that he draws out and I am hoping to shed those bad parts with my release of him. I look at myself, and though I am sad and full of regret, I sullenly admit that I am a good person. I know I am. I AM A GOOD PERSON. I cannot come out of this without scars and walls to protect myself. I have good intuition, good at seeing when someone is being dishonest or up to something. I’m just no longer willing to put up with it. I’m tired of being the good person in this way. From this long journey and experience, I have come to learn that being an easily reliable forgiver only serves to enable the dishonest. My forgiveness will no longer be free. Apologies aren’t good enough on their own. If you can’t put forth the effort to make proper amends, then you don’t deserve it. I will no longer have an endless supply for continued offenses. I do believe people can change, but I’m not wasting my life and tears on someone who needs an abundance of time to grow. I know there are good people out there who deserve my friendship and my love.
I will give this friendship my all, but your allowance to hurt me is very limited. If you want this, you have to work for it. I have my doubts considering how the marriage went.
In all this heart ache, I just have to have faith in myself. I am a good person and I do deserve better.