We’ve been together for 15 years and we only recently got married. I’m angry that he suddenly decided that he was unhappy and then decided he wasn’t interested in trying to fix this. He won’t even do marriage counseling. I’m angry that it’s not my fault and I can’t do anything about it. I’m angry that we were happy even the day before and then like a light switch he realized he wasn’t happy, which is hard to believe. I’m angry that he married me, only to leave me a few months later. I’m angry that this all happened too fast and I have no way of convincing him to salvage what we have.
Most of all, I’m heart broken. He’s been my whole world for 15 years. We’re so right for each other and we have so much in common… except that he no longer loves me like a wife and can’t tell me why and won’t let us try to fix it. He’s also not closed to the idea that maybe one day we’ll find our way back to each other… but right now this isn’t what he wants. Maybe this is his midlife crisis and he’s making a mistake… or maybe we’ll be happier as friends. I see him cry and suffer, and though he’s bringing this on himself, I still want to hold him and ease his pain… because I still deeply love him. I think we’ll both come out of this scarred in some way.
The first few days were hell. We both finally sat down and talked a long time. We agreed that we can’t just ignore each other because it’s killing us both. We both still love each other as best friends. We both want to be close best friends and we want to help each other through this. My mom is against this, but she has to understand that we have spend 15 years together in a very close connection. Cutting each other out of our lives is like ripping a dagger out of your body and bleeding to death. Instead, we are putting up boundaries allowing us to separate, but are providing each other with support and maintaining a friendship. Since we’ve come to this conclusion, we both feel a little less messed up. We’ve both been crying and we’ve hugged and we’re taking things one step at a time.
This depression has been really hard for me. I feel so sick to my stomach and it’s incredibly difficult to eat. It’s not that I don’t want to eat, it’s that the food is tasteless and I get ill when I force it. I’ve been forcing myself to eat a little here and there. I thought I was going to puke when I tried to eat a single taco or even just a few fries or a bowl of soup. I just feel sick. I’m trying to get through it.
I decided to surround myself with people and not be alone, because I know myself and I want to heal as fast as possible. Even within a room full of people, I was having these moments of utter silence were I just didn’t have the desire to speak. It was like my bodies rejection of food but with words. I fell into my mind and everything around me was out of reach. My friends would reach into the darkness and bring me back. This is why I surround myself with people. I don’t want to get lost in this depression. So far, I’ve been rather strong and I’m just riding out the depression. I’m taking it one day at a time.