When emotions collide with Anger and Sadness, there’s this overwhelming sense of drowning. The world around me disappears – consumed in a blind rage of emotions. The anger just built up and up… and I felt like I was going to EXPLODE with all this anger. Anger that my brother treated me the way he did. Anger for all the times he treated our mother this way. Anger for all the times he treated our sister this way. Most of all, rage for threatening violence towards my husband. Anger at the manipulation he uses against our mother that gets her on my ass pleading for him. It’s BULLSHIT. I get it, she’s mom, so she’s going to defend him… but when I get mad at her and yell at her, I feel bad. I apologize and then I redirect that anger back to my brother, because it’s HIS fault I’m in a position to be yelling at my mother.
At the very tip of all this anger, there is sadness. Sadness that my brother is miserable. Sadness for all the xmasses we have never had together. Sadness that he doesn’t care about me enough to fix things with the husband… because I can’t forgive him until he does. My husband is my life and heart. I’m sad that we’ve spent so many Christmasses alone these past 15 years. I’m sad that I’m all he has for xmas. If I wanted to, I could have my brother come for xmas and my husband would not fight me on it, because he loves me. However, I will not sacrifice xmas for my husband for a mean, ungrateful, manipulative brother who doesn’t deserve it! There is no xmas without the love of my life. If his xmas isn’t happy, then neither is mine.
There’s this point in which all my anger collides with all my sadness; and then my anxiety breaks me down. I’m at work in my office and I’m crying alone. I shut my door and pour my feelings into the virtual pages of my blog. I am bound and determined to have a jolly fucking xmas. It’s this drama that keeps me from wanting to do family xmas. I love my mother and I really want another Christmas with her. So mom is coming next week and my brother is staying home. I am determined to have a good xmas!