Today is a good day, but I’m having intermittent mild anxiety. This week, my husband got some important dental work done which is a huge step for him and it’s exciting. On top of all that, it was pay day yesterday, it’s now Saturday, and it’s Pi Day! So it’s a good day. However, we canceled the Pi party as my husband isn’t fill up to it yet. That’s really not a huge deal, as I’m still going to have some pie and it’s a nice relaxing Saturday. So why the anxiety?
Most of the day yesterday and today, I’ve been fine. There are these moments when I feel anxiety but it easily passes with distraction. When I feel it, it’s like feeling like you don’t have enough time. I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I should draw or sew, or socialize. I feel like I need to be doing something that I love. It’s like I feel bad about just laying around relaxing. I have no hangups with having a lazy weekend. I hate this feeling like I need to do something important before I run out of time.
There’s a few reasons why I’m likely feeling this way. I have a balance between being introvert and extrovert, and the major way that I manage my anxiety is through routine and controlling my environment. It could be that since I was prepared for having a party and excited about it, that canceling has disrupted my sense of control. Now I’m longing for company. I feel like we need to do something… because we were and now we’re not. I’m not upset at canceling and I was very supportive of it. Still, those little anxiety gremlins are tugging at the back of my mind. I’ll find something to do to satisfy the beast.
Another reason for this anxiety is that I have a class to teach on Monday. I always have a little anxiety before class, but this time, there’s another trainer, who knows more about the products than I do, shadowing my class and my boss will be on site too. My boss and the other trainer are from the company we acquired which is why they are more knowledgeable on this particular class topic. Even thought they are not there to judge me, nor do they do or say anything to make me feel this way, I still have feelings you’d expect in this situation. So, I am experiencing the build up of that anxiety as Monday draws closer. I’ll get through it just fine and no one will likely even notice the battle going on in my head.
The dread and all the things leading up to the main event is the hardest. I have feelings of not liking my job, of wanting to find another job, but it’s only because the dread is so bad. However, as soon as it’s over, those feelings of discontent go away with the anxiety. While it’s true that being unhappy will cause anxiety, anxiety isn’t always about actually being unhappy (even exciting things can create anxiety) . I have to wager if I’m unhappy because of the anxiety, or if it’s because the situation actually makes me unhappy? In all things, I always consider if I’d be happier doing something else. No matter what job I have, there will be anxiety. What makes me good at dealing with it, is the ability to recognize the anxiety induced thoughts and feelings, and not allowing it to dictate my life.
The last thought that comes to mind on why I’m feeling these minor anxiety pains, is that a few greats have recently passed away (Monty Oum, Leonard Nimoy, Terry Pratchett) and even Robert Carradine had a near miss with Death. It’s these moments that make me face mortality. The anxiety generated from this is sitting in the back of mind. It gives me a sense of urgency to do the things that I love. So, I will and the anxiety will subside.