That Much Closer To Home

I’ve mentioned before that sometimes my anxiety manifests in dread, such as the feeling that someone I love might die. It was lingering a little longer than I expected, but not nearly with the same level of dread as it was when it first hit. I was feeling like it would be all but gone and forgotten by next weekend.

Then something awful happens to my extended family, and it effects me in a way that I don’t expect. The circumstances around her death involve suicide and/or murder, which is yet to be determined. I didn’t know her or the ill relative involved. I didn’t particularly like her brother but he is family to my family regardless of his marital status. I don’t view him as a bad person, we just didn’t get along.

Because I am who I am, I cannot help but feel an enormous amount of compassion for this awful situation. I feel sorrow that I almost feel I don’t have a right to feel because I didn’t know them. Then I remind myself that it’s human to feel sadness for those who suffer. More so, these people affect my people, and my people affect me. I will not be ashamed for feeling sadness for those I do not know, and for those I love who are affected.

Most of all, it brings death just that much closer to home. It’s like death looms ever so close like a manifestation of fear. However, I am a sane and intelligent person. I know that death is not a creature that preys. It’s something that happens and it’s always lingering near by.

So today, to help with this re-affirmed anxiety, I talk to my loved ones about how I feel. I write about it in my blog (while omitting details for privacy sake). And then I will focus on things and people who make me happy. It’s pay day! It’s the weekend! I’ll go home after work, love on my husband and cats. We’ll clean the house to the sound of music (something fun), and then cook a nice diner (no new food friday today) and watch something fun on tv. I fight anxiety with good things.

My condolences and love to my extended family ❤

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