Anxiety: The Dread of Loss

My anxiety manifests in many ways. Sometimes, I get this feeling like someone I care about it going to die. It’s a feeling of dread, like you are expecting a call any minute. I worry that maybe my mom will pass away or my husband will be in a car accident.

Why do I get this feeling? Is something going on that makes me feel this way? Nothing in particular has happened to make me feel this one. No one else has lost a loved one. Sure, my husband is driving for the first time in life, but it’s been several weeks now. Still, that could be what’s causing this feeling. We drove by an motorcycle accident where a man was hurt and the bike looked trashed. That didn’t help with the feeling. I am very compassionate and I teared up hoping the man was okay (even though he was a complete stranger).  Robin Williams died shortly after that, while not someone close to me, I was very sad to loose. This added to that feeling of dread.

Am I depressed? Despite that it is depressing to think about such things, I am not actually depressed. All the while that I’ve been feeling this type of anxiety, I have been very happy, having a great time with loved ones, and I’m not all that stressed at work. There’s no denial or mask, or front of any kind. I am genuinely happy. We’ve had a few great milestones happen in our lives this past month, and my life just gets better every year.

Now it’s entirely possible that when major life events happen, my anxiety kicks in. Fear of something going wrong. Afraid that everything we worked for will be lost. Thought great things have happened, it is more responsibility to upkeep (such as the new care). What happens if I loose my husband and have to take on these responsibilities all by myself?

It’s not something that I considered until I starting writing. As I wrote down the reason why I am happy and how sadness couldn’t be the cause, it dawned on me that it’s fear of loosing the good things. It makes perfect sense now, why I am suffering from dread. For me, when this type of anxiety manifests, it’s just a feeling of dread but than my imagine fills it with an explanation. I assumed the dread was a feeling of impending loss. I assumed it could be my mother (given her age and how much I love her). Then of course, it spread to thinking that my husband could be lost (whom I equally love).

This dread isn’t typically constant, but it can be persistent. What I mean is, I feel dread all the time, but I do get the feeling in spurts. It may be because of how I handle it, that it’s not a nagging oppressive feeling. So, how do I manage this feeling? It’s easier than you think! I call my mom often to talk and tell her I love her. I kiss and hug my husband, tell him how much I loved him. I reconnect with friends. I do nice things for my loved ones  and spend time with them. I also do fun things to build good memories. I play with my cats more often and give them double the snuggles. I avoid sad or depressing movies, news, articles, etc. I make sure we’re being safe and have plans in place for emergencies. I know it seems like I do a lot to manage it, and I do, but it’s all stuff I love doing anyways! Who needs an excuse to have more fun with loved ones?

I also write about it. I release a lot of negativity and dread through my writing. It’s a serious outlet. No one even has to read this, and I gain a lot from it. If I hadn’t written things down, I wouldn’t have realized what caused those feelings this time around. I’m confident that the dread will be gone in no time.

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