In December, I wrote about my Urge to Create and that same feeling that I described in that post is the same feeling that I have when I feel like I’m not doing what I’m meant to do. I’ve been great for 5 months, but now today, it’s creeping up on me again. For the past two Saturdays, we haven’t been gaming, which has given us some down time to relax and be lazy. However, I am beginning to think that doing nothing is what triggers this feeling. I’m sure it’s my anxiety disorder. It’s like a little ankle biting monster that sleeps when I’m busy, and wakes up hungry when I’m not busy.
We have gaming parties on most Fridays and RPG’s on Saturdays. Sundays are usually cleaning followed by MMO games. We game a lot on the weekends. I love gaming. During the week, we work a lot. We come home tried, we watch tv, talk about stuff, eat dinner, give love to the cats, and go to bed. On the weekends before the games begin, or on Sundays, I may write, draw, sew, or create as my urges demand.
However, this Saturday, we watched Star Wars Episode 4, which I had not done since I was a small child. Since I’m an adult and am now capable of following the plot, I thought it would be a good idea to watch Star Wars again. Sometime later today, we’ll be watching Episode 5. However, I can only surmise that when I don’t feed the obsessive compulsive urges that I have (such as gaming or creating art), the ankle biter rears its head.
There have been times when I feel like I am settling. I’m a technical trainer, which is a good job and pays well. I’m able to use a lot of my creativity in this job, which is why I believe I’m fine during the week. However, when I’m feeling anxiety, I feel like I’m settling… like I could be more full-filled and happy if I could craft and make art for a living. While I get the romantic notion of doing what I love, I remember what it was like being poor. I remember what it’s like to try to do art for other people. I love doing my art, my way. If I’m not feeling inspired or creative, I struggle with making art. I hate the idea that my art would be work… that perhaps my enjoyment would be diminished by having to cater to someone else’s vision or deadline. Realistically, I’m happy the way my life is.
Having anxiety can be very disruptive to a person’s happiness. I have come a long way in learning how to manage it. I can fulfill my desires, my urge to create, my creativity, and still live a financially stable life. My financial stability pays for my ability to buy the materials that allow me to create. Although, I think it’s time to make some time for my art this month.
May the fourth be with you!