When I was a teenager, I had this epiphany that I was meant to do something truly great, because of this urge to create. I believed that this urge and talent within me was profound in some way. I lost that feeling of purpose with age, but I have never lost the profound urge to create. I don’t believe that the creator within me is specifically meant for something great, but that I could be great if I could find a way to use it. That’s what has been on my mind as of late. What can I do with his urge to create?
The urge to create is relentless. I get overwhelming urges to draw, paint, sew, write, and most of all create worlds. People who know me, know that I am an artist, but only those closest to me know that I revel in creating worlds. These “worlds” I create are often for enjoyment, and some of them are just visions of a better world. I suppose this too is an art in of itself. It’s fairly grandeur since I tend to rule the better worlds, but then again they are my vision. I often feel like this massive contemplation that goes into building this better world is what gave me that initial epiphany. As much as I wish I could do half the things that I imagine (or create) in my world; I lack the skill, the knowledge, and the magic to make them real. Sure, I could be motivated to act on them, but the issue is that there is so much that I can’t do them all, and which one should I pick? Which one will satisfy the urge? The things I imagine cannot be done by myself alone, or within my lifetime alone. I have to accept that I may only merely contribute… but how do I do this without giving up my current life? How do I choose where to begin? If I can’t do it all, what parts can I do and what will be enough?
Sure, I can donate to good causes, but this does not satiate the urge. Not to say that I don’t donate to good causes, because I have. The urge pays no mind to money or good will. I don’t want to compare it to an addiction, but rather it’s comparable to hunger and starvation. The more hungry you are, the more food you crave. Creating art is like food for my soul.
Aside from the worlds that I envision and the good I’d like to do in my lifetime, I am more often an artist. As long as I can remember, I have always had the urge to create and I have always been an artist. Lately, I have been working a lot and I feel like I haven’t had time to feed the cravings. So they grow stronger until I feel like I can no longer wait. I haven’t drawn a picture or designed a character in quite some time. I have not painted a pretty watercolor in a while. I haven’t sewn a plush lately. I did manage to cut out a pattern last night, and I’m writing at this moment. But it’s not enough. My career in life is in the IT world, so art is not my job… it’s my passion. I am unwilling to give up my career and happy stable life in order to make art my job. I also fear that imposing obligation to my passion would ruin the enjoyment. Another concern is that if I turn art into a job, I would be obligated to work on other people’s vision, which isn’t the same thing as creating my art. I like doing what I do, and if it’s going to be a job, it has to be MY creations. The point isn’t to make money off my art… it’s to be able to create art all the time and still afford to live my life the way I do now. However, I often reconsider it. I’m always contemplating ways to make it work, but haven’t yet found a way.
I have great doubts in my ability to succeed because I don’t view myself as talented enough. I know that I am creative and talented, but I never feel like I’m good enough. I see lots of beautiful artwork out there and I’m nothing compared to it. Perhaps if I had the patience and skill, I could compete. There is much room for motivation in this aspect. More complicated is my perceived lack of creativity. I often feel that people around me, who feel they are not as talented as I am, are more creative than me. I can create art, but often get the creativity from those around me. I often feel like I have no creativity… with the exception of when I create worlds. I wish that I could find the same creativity in my art that I find in my world creations. It’s like I can imagine the impossible, but cannot fathom within confines of the real world. It makes it hard to be creative in some ways, and easier in others.
I get these powerful urges to create, and though I often create something good out of it, it’s not enough. I wish I could just spend all my time creating, but that isn’t feasible. Sometimes, I get caught up in the grandeur of it and making something calms it down for the time being. Sometimes, the urge to create is so great that I want to risk everything to do something profound with it. I’m always looking for a way to satiate this urge, this need within me. My rationality keeps me from ruins, but the obsession keeps me from giving up. Maybe I will do something great, but that’s not the biggest factor in the urge. The urge is to create, not necessarily to do something great. It’s just the good in me that applies the notion of greatness. I feel that the urge to create is stronger than people around me understand, but I’m sure that’s not always the case. Perhaps it’s something that all artists feel, or perhaps the urge is common in everyone and we simply choose what to focus the urge on. Mine has always been on creating art.